Where My Head is at

Some people have been asking where my head is at. I have been describing all the physical stuff that goes on and I guess I better start at the beginning.

Which was when I was laying on the trail for 2 hours, after I hit my head…I was not knocked unconscious and I remember sliding down the trail.  It felt like I was floating down a stream and I actually wondered if I was ever going to come to a stop. I ended up in a sort of fetal position on my right side with my left arm up in front of my head. My legs were slightly bent and my left cycling shoe was still attached to the pedal. And there was some light from my bicycle headlight that was still on and pointing down the trail towards the road.  As soon as I hit I immediately knew my neck was broken and the only thing I could move were the toes on my right foot.

  Now the mental part, if any of you are old enough to remember laurel and hardy the first thing I actually said to my self was “it’s a fine mess you’ve gotten us into olie.” Then I started to think about my situation and for some reason I really didn’t get excited or anxious…don’t know why but, I think I should have. I started thinking how my life had changed in an instant and started thinking what it would be like in the future. However not know the extent of my injury and what my recovery would do; I really didn’t have any clue about where I would be.  I just kept thinking of Atienne and how far he had come along and I also took into consideration the incredible amount of work he had put in to get to where he was. 

I knew there would be a depression problem I built a very large door and I put the depression box inside the door, closed the door, locked it up very tightly, and threw away the key as far away from me as I could. The goal is to take the depression door to Sudbury leave it there and if I ever need it I have to go there to get it.  I started thinking about when I was going to be found on the trail I knew it was about 10 o;clock when I crashed and I know there is not a lot of activity on the trail after dark. It took me quite a while to work through, I got in my head that I would be there for at least 12 to 14 hours, mentally I seemed to be able to accept that basically because there was not a hell of a lot I could do about that.  My lowest moment on the trail was when I thought the farms truck was leaving and they weren’t coming down the trail. Hope seem to get high very quickly, but they can be dashed immidiatly. As it turned out the farmer had seen my bike lights on the trail and did come and find me and the rest is history.

When I am busy with people around or just the normal hospital activity around I can pretty much handle it….what I have to be carful of is when its it is quiet and I am alone and sometimes the tasks at hand do become daunting. Anytime those thoughts pop up I do try to discard them and get back on the right track as quickly as I can…just thinking about all of the people out there supporting helps my mind keep going in the right direction.  Another big positive here is roommates I have several fantastic ones and one that was not so good but he probably felt the same way about me …but he was only in here for three days.  Not only are roommates good to talk to it is great to watch them progress, and so far they have all left in 3 or 4 days.  For example Gord the one I have now I’m sure is going to be out of here quite soon. The bottom line about mental health is that you have to keep on top of it and try staying positive and appreciating all the little wee tiny gains.  One thing I do to stay occupied is do my kata in my head, I’m going to be really good at hein1 when I get out of here.  I haven’t got a Television yet to keep me occupied but I am looking into a voice activated computer, then I can do my own typing.